I get it.  Selecting a restaurant for a first date is difficult.  Because it’s true, by the time I’m fastening my seatbelt in your car, if you’re suggesting an eatery whose over-sauced pasta makes me cringe, I will silently be judging you.  Don’t be mistaken, I don’t want to go somewhere with white tablecloths and a bill that costs half your paycheck.  You shouldn’t spend that much money on someone you don’t even know.  And besides, if at the end of the meal I feel like we’re not clicking, I’m going to feel really guilty about you dropping that coin.  It also looks desperate.

Furthermore, I don’t want to go somewhere trendy.  Trendy restaurants are L.A.’s demonstration of the Pavlovian effect.  Oh how do I like my meal, you gorgeous waiter?  Actually I think this crispy rice on spicy tuna is mediocre at best.  And the grilled whitefish is overcooked and bland.  Frankly, I’d be more satisfied with a $3.70 order of animal fries.  But, um, thanks for asking. Trendy restaurants also draw celebrity couples.  And there’s nothing that makes me more uncomfortable than sitting in a room with two actors pretending to be in love and a bevy of other patrons trying to get a glimpse at them while they poke at plates heaped with kale.

By all means, don’t take me to a chain restaurant.  Unless a savage tornado rips through town and wipes out every single restaurant, food truck, and grocery store, then, and only then, will I go to P.F. Chang’s with you.

Lastly, if you take me to a restaurant that doesn’t serve alcohol, I will positively know that we are not a good match, and our date will be over before a waiter can drop a basket of bread on the table.  And while we’re being honest, please don’t order yourself a drink before you’ve asked me what I would like to imbibe that evening.  At that point I will inevitably reply that I will be having a glass of red, which is when the next words out of your mouth should be, “Why don’t we get a bottle?”

The rest is fair game.  You can take me to a hole-in-the-wall.  If it’s great, I’ll think you’re brilliant.  You can take me out for a cheap bowl of curry.  If it’s great, I’ll think you’re brilliant.  You can even take me to a sports bar.  If they have shuffleboard, I will challenge you to a game.

So please don’t mess this up.  You’ve got Yelp.  You’ve got Zagat.  For goodness sake, even Jonathan Gold has given you 99 suggestions.  And if you’re really that stumped, want a good piece of advice?  Just leave it up to me to decide.